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Article
for Parents
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Practice What Your Preach: Talking to Your Children About T'shuva--Repentance
By Jill Suzanne Jacobs
Making
mistakes is an inevitable part of life. T'shuva, or
repentance, is the Jewish response to dealing with those mistakes.
The Hebrew word for sin--cheit--can also be understood
as "missing the mark" and t'shuva is Judaism's way
of getting us back on target.
While T'shuva is possible all-year round, the Jewish
calendar puts a special emphasis on it during Rosh Hashanah
and Yom Kippur. "One of the defining aspects of Judaism is
the belief that the soul is pure and we can choose every day
the person we want to be," explains Rabbi Dov Bard, the head
of School of the Solomon Schechter Day School of Greater Boston.
"I do talk about t'shuva with my children," says the
father of four. "My thing is, you do have a choice, you don't
have to do what you've done before. You can redirect your
life. I like to let my kids know that they have choices and
that they can have a fresh start. I also let them know the
four steps of t'shuva; realizing that you have done
something wrong, feeling bad about it, taking steps to correct
the mistake you have made, and then asking forgiveness from
the other person and from God."
Even very young children can have a sense of t'shuva,
Maxine Segal Handelman, director of Early Childhood Education
for the Jewish Community Centers of Chicago explains. "You
can see a child as young as 18 months go over and bring a
toy to a crying child to comfort that child. That's empathy
and that's the first thing kids get. It's the first part of
t'shuva. You can't feel remorseful until you have a
sense of how other people feel."
Children as young as four can begin to reflect on their behavior,
a crucial step in the t'shuva process. "To a young
child, t'shuva is a sense of recognizing that they
make mistakes," Handelman says. "This [recognition], rather
than saying 'I'm sorry' should be the focus of any discussion
about t'shuva. I try to avoid making kids say 'sorry'.
'I'm sorry' is an over-used concept with kids," she explains.
Ultimately, t'shuva is best conveyed by example. "As
parents we all make mistakes," Rabbi Bard says, "and when
our kids call us on them, what a great lesson to say, 'You
know, you are right. I shouldn't have done that.' That is
so powerful, and more effective than any lecture."
Even young children can be helped to understand a parent's
mistake. "I would tell my child that we all make mistakes,"
Handelman explains. "We all do things that make people sad.
We all do things that we know we are not supposed to do. It
is important to think about our mistakes and try not to do
them again. And if we made someone feel bad, we should try
to make them feel better."
"The problem with doing bad things," Bard muses, "is that
it leads you to think that what you are doing is okay, and
then you do more bad things which distances you from God.
T'shuva removes those obstacles."
Here are some points to discuss when discussing t'shuva
with your children:
1. Everyone makes mistakes. T'shuva to do more than
say you are sorry for your mistakes. It is an opportunity
to make up for them.
2. T'shuva is about choices. When we make a mistake,
we choose to do the wrong thing. T'shuva is about making
better behavior choices.
3. T'shuva is about learning from your mistakes and
then not making them again.
4. No one--not you and not even God--expects anyone to be
perfect. Convey to your children that when they make mistakes--as
all people do--you and God will always love and forgive them.
Jill Jacobs is a family educator at the Leventhal-Sidman Jewish Community Center in Newton, MA.
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